It's hard to believe, but it has been 15 years since the release of the movie Mean Girls. I have viewed the movie several times over the years, and last week I attended (and enjoyed) the Broadway version of Mean Girls with my husband and 14-year old daughter.
It is shocking how the show seems as relevant as ever. It seems that nothing has changed in "mean girl culture" during the past 15 years, and in some ways, it has only intensified with the rapid proliferation of social media.
As an example, recently a well-seasoned male therapist colleague said to me, “I would rather work all day with my male clients who are hardened criminals than lead a one-hour group with teenage girls!” He went on to complain about the never-ending drama he sees with girls in his treatment setting.
I laughed at the time, but upon reflection, I wondered, why do girls have such a notorious reputation for drama, betrayal, and back-stabbing? And for being mean to one another—especially to their friends? Does it have to be the case that nothing ever improves with girl culture? That the Mean Girls movie will continue to represent current friendship patterns?
As parents, can we help our daughters to resist these limiting stereotypes and behaviors? As I suggest in my book Swimming Upstream: Parenting Girls for Resilience in a Toxic Culture, I believe the answer is yes [i] .
To start changing the climate for girls, we need to understand how girls are socialized. Girls learn from a very early age that they are expected to be emotionally expressive—for every emotion, that is, except anger. Our daughters learn the importance of relationships and the risks associated with expressing anger—if she makes someone mad, another girl might not want to be her friend any longer. So she learns to keep her opinions to herself instead of taking a risk that might cause a rift in the relationship. As a result, many girls never learn the skills they need for open, assertive communication or for effective conflict resolution.
But girls do get mad and they do have strong opinions about things. So if a girl doesn’t usually go directly to a friend to tell her she doesn’t like what she said or did, what does she do instead? For example, if Catelyn believes she can’t tell Hannah she is mad at her or doesn’t like what she said, how does she express her anger?
Some things she might try…Talk about Hannah behind her back. Tell her friends to start ignoring her. Spread a rumor about her that she is a slut. Send her a mean, anonymous text. Make Hannah’s life miserable without ever saying a word to her about the conflict. Catelyn can retaliate most effectively by harming what is likely most important to Hannah: Her relationships. Professionals call this behavior Relational Aggression (RA), typically defined as the act of hurting others by manipulating or harming their relationships [ii] .
Girls learn to use RA for a variety of reasons, but they keep using it primarily because it works so well to get girls what they want (popularity, status), and it continues because girls who are not in the inner circle of popularity are fearful to challenge the RA perpetrators out of fear that they too will become the next victims [iii] .
And even if a girl is in the “popular” clique at her school, she may believe she needs to use RA to maintain her status in a popular social circle. She may spread rumors or gossip about her closest friends as “currency” to please the girls in her clique. That’s why research shows that girls tend to use RA most often within their own friendship circles. It is no wonder that the term frenemies is used to describe girls’ friendships and that the distinction between friend and enemy has become blurred. How confusing to our daughters when a BFF today becomes an enemy overnight, and she isn’t sure how or why.
Relational aggression may have become mainstream among today’s girls, but this doesn’t mean that we should dismiss it as expected or harmless. Girls are indeed harmed by these behaviors— and it does not just affect the victims of the aggression. The girls who use RA against others learn manipulative ways to get their needs met, which can harm their own social and emotional development. Other girls live in dread that they will say or do something that will land them in the outsider role. So we do need to pay attention and we do need to help our daughters figure out their role in being authentic friends while also staying true to themselves.
You might be thinking this sounds a bit insurmountable. Rather than throwing up your hands in defeat, however, consider some of the following strategies you can use to decrease the chances that your daughter will become entrenched in a web of relationally aggressive relationships:
These strategies will not create an overnight fix, particularly if your daughter is enmeshed in a toxic friendship circle in which meanness has become the norm. However, over time, encourage her to examine her friendships in a new light. Help her begin to prioritize relationships that are life-enhancing—and to slowly turn away from those that have become life-depleting. With enough effort, hopefully, when the Mean Girls movie turns 20, it will have become dated and only a laughable relic of the past.
[i] Choate, L. H. (2015). Swimming upstream: Parenting girls for resilience in a toxic culture. New York: Oxford University Press.
[ii] Crick, N. & Grotpeter, J. K. (1995). Relational aggression, gender, and social-psychological adjustment. Child Development 66, 710-722.
[iii] Simmons, R. (2002). Odd girl out: The hidden culture of aggression in girls. Boston, MA: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
[iv] Simmons, R. (2009). The curse of the good girl: Raising authentic girls with courage and confidence. New York: Penguin Press.
[v] Wiseman, R. (2003) Queen bees and wannabes. New York: Three Rivers Press.
[vi] Homayoun, A. (2013) The myth of the perfect girl. New York: Penguin Press.